Saturday 26 October 2013

The UK's Biggest Killers

Rather embarrassing piece of satire that I wrote whilst highly irritated by the media hype over Britain's so-called killer spider, The False Widow. Website I wrote it for said 'we don't do satire' (probably meant 'we don't do shit').



A wise man called Homer Simpson once said, you can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
And whilst it is treacherously tempting to refer to actual evidence or scientific data when forming an opinion, the majority of Briton's know to instead seek guidance from the Daily Mail in all areas of life.

Such are the sinister nature of facts that they would have you mistakenly believe that not everything that ever existed ever is in some way trying to kill you, commit benefit fraud, molest your children or convert them to Islam.


One such example of scientifically established truths being exploited deplorably to whip the public into a state of mass calm is the situation with Britain's wildlife.


Firstly there are the experts, who, laughingly basing their information on years of education and study in their selected fields, claim that the UK is a region with virtually no animals venomous enough to kill a human being, and almost none inclined to attack one unprovoked.


Secondly are statistics, which, using some bull shit called scientifically compiled data, 'prove' that only around 25 deaths can be attributed to animals in the UK each year, and these are mostly the result of allergic reactions to bee stings or road accidents involving horses and deer.


Lastly, and perhaps the most nefarious of all, is common sense, since about five seconds of dangerously rational thought could lead you to the conclusion that no-one you've ever known has been killed by an animal and the biggest threat you've ever experienced from UK wildlife is a pigeon shitting on your car.


In order to survive in the harsh wilderness of modern Britain, you must avoid these three at all costs.


Because in actuality, the UK is infested with a myriad of borderline demonic, poison-shitting, blood-thirsty creatures which feed on the flesh of children and perhaps, some sources suggest, have links to Al Qaeda.


It's very easy for foreign observers, such as Australians or Americans, to mock our mounting public hysteria or proposals for massive culls, since in their own countries they are required only to co-exist with significantly less dangerous species like Black Widow Spiders, Mountain Lions and Great White Sharks. Pussies.


They do not have to face life with the notorious False Widow Spider, for example. Although this species has been present in Britain for over a 100 years, it's mission to exterminate all human beings is an apparently recent one. Whilst some claim it's small surge in population is the result of people-induced climate change, it seems more likely that it's just an evil bastard.


In past weeks reputable publications such as the Daily Mail and the Sun have reported a spate of attacks on British citizens, and one can only imagine the fierce physical struggles that must have ensued between victim and 20p sized spider. Although it's bite is similar in symptoms and severity to that of a bee sting, if you are allergic or particularly susceptible to insect bites, then you could, possibly, maybe, require medical attention, or at least an anti-histamine. It's definitely a possibility. Probably.


In this way the False Widow Spider is comparable in danger to a peanut. A fucking evil one.


And having Grizzly Bears raid your bins or Alligators wander into your swimming pool is mere child's play to the average Briton, who regularly encounters the Urban Fox. For once, the claims of experts may be plausible when they suggest a correlation between the destruction of the foxes natural habitat and food source and it's increased presence in our cities - the foxes are clearly plotting revenge against us all.


Slightly bigger than a domestic cat, foxes have been known to wander into houses where young children have been left unattended for long periods of time with the garden door wide open, sometimes producing wounds that due to the foxes cunning nature, could also be attributed to a pet dog or cat. Whilst some drug addled hippies have suggested secure disposal of food waste, collar controlled cat flaps or just shutting one's fucking door as a preventative to bloody fox induced death, a much more measured response is simply to massacre the entire species. Again, with no bias for it's pro-hunting Tory collaborators or audience, or with any intention of scare mongering, the right wing press has been nobly informing the public of this immense threat to their safety.


People of Britain, beware of these killers, preying on the children and the elderly. Accept the so-called 'fact' that they've never killed anyone, ever, at your own peril.


It may provide you with some shred of comfort to know that our ancestors have already wiped out a large proportion of British native species, including Wolves, Wild Boars and Antelope, and UK conservationists say that thanks to our heroic efforts in deforestation and habitat destruction the rest are declining in numbers all the time.


Also working in our favour are those brave individuals who face down foxes and badgers, and sometimes even their newborn cubs simultaneously, armed only with traps, shot guns, a few hundred dogs and several horses to defend themselves.


Hopefully, if we continue on our gallant path of eradicating nature anywhere it inconveniences or interferes with our lives to any extent, or shooting at it just for a laugh, our children and grandchildren will be able to grow up in an environment with literally no natural wonders or wildlife whatsoever.

Here's hoping for a better world.

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